The Critical Mass

The coming Zombie Clown Apocalypse

As always, conversation Saturday afternoon at Java’s at the Market came around to the Apocalypse, which now appears set in stone for Dec. 21, 2012. This is according to the Maya “Long Count” calender. I have enough free calendars coming to the house as it is, but the one from my insurance agent doesn’t depict the beheading of heretics in the court of Quetzalcoatl. So this one seems pretty authoritative.

Spencer said he’s writing a short play about the Zombie Apocalypse. John is writing one on the Clown Apocalypse. I suggested they collaborate on one about the Zombie Clown Apocalypse. “I’d rather be disemboweled by zombies than clowns,” John said.

According to tradition, he’s correct. Being torn apart by zombies means at least you’ll live on as the living dead. There’s no future in being torn to pieces by clowns. So death by zombie is the preferred demise. Provided, of course, that the zombies catch you. As is the case with mummies, we’ve all seen beautiful women in torn nightgowns racing though the dark woods while being chased by a lumbering, stumbling zombie, who’s miles behind her. But damn if she doesn’t trip over a big tree root, and suddenly, there’s the zombie!

“Clowns are much faster than zombies,” I said, forgetting how difficult it is to run in those big shoes.

“Zombies,” Dick said, “are the ultimate game of tag.”