“You’re under arrest, Jerk!”

Despite the fact that newspaper resources are dwindling, they still have plenty of time for Snooki, while ignoring millions of talented  people.

Snooki, as I’ve recently discovered, is a talentless member of the talentless cast of a dreadful reality show called Jersey Shore. I haven’t seen the show myself, but am drawing these conclusions based on a hilarious profile in The New York Times this summer, in which writer Cathy Horyn brilliantly summarized Snooki’s value to humanity as “like a rare, unstable gas, she is not likely to last much beyond the moment.”

Earlier this summer, Snooki was arrested for being an obnoxious drunk on a Seaside Heights, N.J., beach. Calling her a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe,” rather than turning her over to The Sopranos, a judge this week merely fined Snooki $500 and sentenced her to community service after she plead guilty to disturbing others.

I found two things about this story to be interesting. One, The Associated Press story reports Snooki claimed “her behavior was not scripted as part of the show, even though cameras were rolling.” Which means, of course, that a bunch of adults were content with recording her behavior for future laughs without one of them stepping forward to say, “Snooki, you’re acting like a jerk, go lie down in your trailer for a while.”

And Two, I didn’t know there was such as charge as “disturbing others.” This is a great tool for mankind. I say, let’s put it to use while it’s still on the books. Here’s a list of jerks who disturb me:

Lindsay Lohan, Lady Gaga, Glenn Beck, Dick Cheney, The Cleveland Browns, Thomas Kinkade, anyone who’s ever appeared on American Idol, Michelle Malkin, whoever owns the neighborhood dog that’s been barking all day,  Balloon Boy’s dad, the BP board, Rush Limbaugh, Joe Wilson, Mel Gibson, those hundreds of Clay Aiken fans who sent me nasty e-mails after I made fun of him in a concert review, John Edwards, Lawrence Taylor, Larry King, Mark David Chapman, Sarah Palin, Jan Brewer, Sharron Angle, Tim Tebow, Koran-burning Rev. Terry Jones, Dr. Laura Schessinger, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Kanye West, Ted Nugent, Gene Simmons, Courtney Love, John Boehner, Karl Rove, George W. Bush….