I hate Jackie’s new friend

My friend Jackie’s Christmas Day potato pierogies were awesome. She’d also spent the day watching a couple of the big Christmastime epics. No, we’re not talking Elf. This was Ben-Hur and The Ten Commandments. Jackie may be Jewish, but she’s really into the holiday. As an educator at one of our top institutions, she mused, “I wonder how many of those Bible epics they made?”

“Depends on how broad your parameters are,” I said. “Ben-Hur is about chariot racing.”

She ignored me and turned to her new friend for an authoritative answer. As she has been doing for what seems like the past year. The new friend who knows everything. You know how annoying they are.

But this time, no. “Argh!” she wailed. “I can’t get on your WiFi!”

Indeed, Jackie’s new best friend, her iPad, was at a loss for words. Finally. And I was damn happy about it. Maybe I’m jealous, but I’m getting fed up with Jackie including that thing in every conversation, as though it were a real person. It’s dominating the Saturday afternoon gatherings at Java’s at the Market. It always remembers to bring the pictures from the latest trip to Jerusalem. It always knows what goes into a classic fruitcake. It always knows where to find her husband John.

Bible epics? “Why don’t you just ask us?” I said.

Spartacus!” Dick suggested.

“Yeah,” I said. “How about Davey and Goliath?”

But no, her old friends were not good enough. The answer had to come from a Higher Authority. The Internet.

Here’s what you can find on the Internet. Obama was born in Kenya. Death panels. The 9/11 government conspiracy. Anchor babies. Bigfoot. Archaeologists have uncovered a cemetery for extraterrestrials in Africa. The Apollo moon landings were faked. Tim Tebow is God’s quarterback. Sarah Palin’s son Trig is actually her daughter’s baby. The War on Christmas. The ACLU wants to ban crosses from Arlington National Cemetery. Jon Bon Jovi is dead. Michael Jackson is not dead. Need a recipe on how to deep fry a cat? JFK was shot by… well, at least a half-dozen different groups.  Jersey Shore‘s Snooki says the ocean is salty because its full of whale sperm.

Jackie, your new best friend is a liar.